"i shouldn't be here. it would be wrong. it would be better if i left. no one would notice if i was gone."

it's happening again. i have a feeling that this will be a pattern; everytime i see someone in a post in the forums talking about age limitations on NG, my thoughts will become nothing but the above quotations. i know i already talked about this, and how i was "going to be so inactive that nobody will notice i'm here", but obviously that isn't working if i'm going to keep thinking "i don't belong here" everytime i touch this site. i don't have many other options. my best options are either a) actually abandon this site, or b) stay here and continue feeling guilty for existing. if i really decide to leave, i don't think i have any other good alternatives for posting art. i've heard about sites like deviantart and furaffinity, but i dont trust them at all, and i don't know about any other place i could go. i'm most likely to give up on posting art anywhere. if i decide to stay here, I'll continue to mentally suffer because of moral conflict, and i already have enough mental suffering. online issues do not need to add to that. so, would i rather never show my art to other people (except my family, who could care less) again, or sit here and do nothing about this conflict that will only burden me and probably become something worse the longer i ignore it?

maybe there are other, more pleasant options and i'm just too blinded by "guilt" to see them. in that case, someone who cares about this dilemma please help me find them. if not, i predict a outcome where i abandon NG, and the day after that, every single thing i see reminds me of this site, and i begin to lose my mind so much that i never use anything online ever again. i wouldn't be too mad if that happened, actually; my mental health would probably improve. anyway, in the end, i know it's up to me to decide what i want to do. i know i'm going to submit some art this Saturday, because that's what i said i would do, but that might end up being the last art piece i submit. if i (or we?) can find at least 3 reasons why i should stay here on NG despite all this age garbage going on, i'll at least consider enduring more pain. besides that, all factors are leaning towards this account's end. again. history is repeating itself.

for some reason, the only way i learn not to do something is if something really bad happens, so i prevent problems by threatening myself. i've just written a paragraph long promise to myself stating that after i solve this problem, if a problem like this happens again, i'll lose my art posting privileges. if that doesn't work, i can't trust myself anymore

(the last news post with the "happy" mood on it was only ONE WEEK ago! how do things go from good to bad that fast!?)