"i shouldn't be here. it would be wrong. it would be better if i left. no one would notice if i was gone."
it's happening again. i have a feeling that this will be a pattern; everytime i see someone in a post in the forums talking about age limitations on NG, my thoughts will become nothing but the above quotations. i know i already talked about this, and how i was "going to be so inactive that nobody will notice i'm here", but obviously that isn't working if i'm going to keep thinking "i don't belong here" everytime i touch this site. i don't have many other options. my best options are either a) actually abandon this site, or b) stay here and continue feeling guilty for existing. if i really decide to leave, i don't think i have any other good alternatives for posting art. i've heard about sites like deviantart and furaffinity, but i dont trust them at all, and i don't know about any other place i could go. i'm most likely to give up on posting art anywhere. if i decide to stay here, I'll continue to mentally suffer because of moral conflict, and i already have enough mental suffering. online issues do not need to add to that. so, would i rather never show my art to other people (except my family, who could care less) again, or sit here and do nothing about this conflict that will only burden me and probably become something worse the longer i ignore it?
maybe there are other, more pleasant options and i'm just too blinded by "guilt" to see them. in that case, someone who cares about this dilemma please help me find them. if not, i predict a outcome where i abandon NG, and the day after that, every single thing i see reminds me of this site, and i begin to lose my mind so much that i never use anything online ever again. i wouldn't be too mad if that happened, actually; my mental health would probably improve. anyway, in the end, i know it's up to me to decide what i want to do. i know i'm going to submit some art this Saturday, because that's what i said i would do, but that might end up being the last art piece i submit. if i (or we?) can find at least 3 reasons why i should stay here on NG despite all this age garbage going on, i'll at least consider enduring more pain. besides that, all factors are leaning towards this account's end. again. history is repeating itself.
for some reason, the only way i learn not to do something is if something really bad happens, so i prevent problems by threatening myself. i've just written a paragraph long promise to myself stating that after i solve this problem, if a problem like this happens again, i'll lose my art posting privileges. if that doesn't work, i can't trust myself anymore
(the last news post with the "happy" mood on it was only ONE WEEK ago! how do things go from good to bad that fast!?)
Phronemophobia
"it's happening again. i have a feeling that this will be a pattern... continue feeling guilty for existing."
There's really nothing that will just make your brain stop feeling guilty, because if it's anything like mine, there will always be some other stupid thing to needlessly worry about. Right now, my temporary fixes are "brain off" gaming with a roguelike or simple RPG and listening to some 10-hour relaxation video on YouTube. A friend on this site has recommended meditation, as well, and he uses it to ease his own mind. Seems to work well for him.. If none of that seems helpful, then try to imagine one of your OCs slowly waddling up to a negative thought growing in the back of your mind, pulling out a comically large "NO!" stick, and repeatedly bonking it until the thought disappears. For added fun, you could imagine confetti and fart sounds happening each time the bonk occurs. Afterwards, your mental OC will indulge in a moment of victorious pride and then go back home to relax and eat snacks until the next terrible idea shows up. Side note: Feeling guilty for merely existing is dumb. I refuse it. That's law now. *points at very official legal document* See this? It states are you are no longer allowed to regret being alive for, like, *squints to check the fine print* twenty years at least. Check back in twenty years to find out whether or not you are allowed to feel guilty for existing again.
"would i rather never show my art to other people (except my family, who could care less) again"
Nuts to other people! Upload it to show yourself in the future. It'll become comparative evidence of your progress as you continue to improve your artistic skill. Oh, and show it to me, as well. I am curious about the lives of Rust and Toggle, so I definitely want to see more art of them. That's at least two people to share your art.
Personal insecurities are an ongoing part of life for all of us. Right now, it seems the age thing is the big one for you, but if you were doing anything wrong, your account would have been terminated, right? A moderator would have kicked you out. Since that has not happened, it means you have nothing to feel guilty about. You were grandfathered in meaning the future version of you will be able to brag about having had an account before the site added stricter age restrictions. Plus, look at your current reviews. So far, you've only receive positive feedback for sharing your opinion. Clearly, you being here has been beneficial for a handful of other artists already. What if some of them had similar moments of doubt and it was your words that helped them to continue showing their art to other people? Be the supportive figure you wish from others.
Ultimately, whether you leave or not is up to you, but, for what little it's worth, know there will be at least one person here always hoping you are doing well and still enjoying art in your free time.
ToggleDragon
somehow i keep forgetting that i didn't actually do anything wrong. it was my natural response to negative emotions: move away from the source. at least i understand now, so i can make a more educated decision later. also, that's already three reasons why i should stay. i didn't do anything wrong to begin with, i can keep being a supportive figure, and i can show myself my art in the future. with the added benefit of you. things are looking better now. but i'm not going to get my hopes up. anything could happen, and it's usually bad.